Still

Driving back from work I had a million things on my mind. Today two people told me things that I really wanted to hear, assuring me that I am somewhat at the top of my game at work.

I've always strived to be the best. I've always been top most of the time. Not to boast or what but sometimes I do well without even putting in any conscious effort. And though today I was told that I'm doing awesome at playing auditor, somehow it didn't give me what you'd expect me to feel.

Instead of being happy, overjoyed, appreciated, I somehow feel the opposite. I've wanted the assurance that I'm doing fine at work, but when I finally got it somehow I feel depressed that I'm doing well at something I hate. Something I despise.

It's not about the doing well part. It's probably because I've made up my mind. To leave auditing this year and find something more human to do. But somehow these two comments just struck me off tangent. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if God is subtly telling me to stay in my job.

And perhaps some of you might think, what an idiot I am. People compliment you also complain. Am I too stuck up with myself? Perhaps I am. Perhaps you think that it's unfair for me to complain about one of the better things that's happened to me. Maybe I'm an ungrateful soul. I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling bad instead of being happy. Don't ask me why.

While driving back tonight some thoughts crossed my mind. Thoughts that shouldn't be there in the first place.

And when I turned on my computer the first song that played was Hillsong's Still.

Totally what I need. Be still. Know that He is God.

Be still.

p/s God, if You're trying to tell me something, please use the megaphone...